MRS BRAMBLE'S SNAKE
| Julie Bishop wed a country boy She would soon learn country life She now was Mrs. Bramble She was so proud to be his wife But that third day in her new home Was a day filled with regret She thought her death was certain It's a day she'll not forget She was cleaning her new kitchen Humming tunes of wedded bliss When a snake came in to greet her And she thought she heard it hiss Mrs. Bramble was a city girl And though she'd just moved to the farm She realised immediately That snake could do her harm She'd heard about these creatures And it filled her heart with dread If that snake took just one nibble She knew she'd soon be dead Her legs were shaking badly She went as white as snow Pure terror overcame her She didn't stop to say "Hello." Panic grasped her every nerve It scared her through and through And Mrs. Bramble ran much faster Than she ever thought she'd do In a flight of desperation She made it through the door Then she heard her conscience scolding "What are you running for?" "You are now a country woman And that's your country house Are you going to be evicted By that treacherous, creepy louse?" Her husband was out ploughing And though she tried to hide her fear She found that she was muttering "I wish that he was here." But when a woman flares with anger Even strong men will recoil Hell knows no fury like a woman When her blood begins to boil She clenched her fist in anger And with her temper white She yelled "Prepare to die you scoundrel I'm coming back to fight!" She gathered up some weapons Then stormed back in the house She'd show that low-down reptile She was a woman, not a mouse! She found the snake perched cheekily Upon her kitchen sink She had to act immediately She had no time to think Like a top league baseball player She swung her husband's garden rake It smashed all her cups and saucers It left disaster in its wake Her next weapon was a sledge hammer And she swung it with her all But when that sneaky damn snake ducked She punched a hole right through the wall She viewed the hole with horror Then with a murderous cry She screamed "You won't escape you bugger Prepare yourself to die!" She had spied her husband's shotgun She'd now make that snake reflect That when a girl comes from the city You'd better treat her with respect She quickly found two cartridges Then gave a victory yell She knew that with her first shot She'd consign that snake to hell Her snake now sat on a cupboard So serene and so aloof She fired her husband's shotgun And put a great hole in the roof All guns terrified her So it was really no surprise That before she finished aiming She had tightly closed her eyes If her husband had been with her He could have gave her one small tip When you've never fired a shotgun Don't try to fire it from the hip Mrs. bramble stumbled over In an unladylike repose And that damn snake was approaching They were almost nose to nose "I still have one shot left." She screamed "And let me be quite frank This time I'll blow your head off!" But she shot their water tank. That damn snake kept on dodging And although she feared its bite She bravely screamed her challenge "Stand still you worm and fight!" Next, she swung her husband's axe And she made that axe head sing But that damn snake kept on dodging She almost chopped up everything By now her hands were sweating And the axe slipped from her grip And as it smashed the window She heard the curtains rip Her neighbours called to greet her But when they heard the kitchen feud They thought they'd come back later When she was in a better mood. She was screaming threats of murder So they scampered off real fast The wife muttered to her husband "That marriage sure won't last!" "To think they just got married Less than a week ago And now she's trying to kill him How quickly love can go!" Mrs. Bramble hadn't noticed That during her snake hunt Somehow she'd snagged her dress And tore a great hole in the front It seemed that snake was teasing her And as she met its beady stare She picked up a great carving knife And hurled it through the air She'd put all her strength behind it It was travelling with great force But her aim was slightly crooked And the knife veered off its course The target that it finally found Was not what she'd hoped for That knife anchored itself firmly In the wooden kitchen door Through clenched teeth she muttered bravely "I'll give that snake what it deserves!" She hurled a kettle at it And smashed a batch of fresh preserves Then she chose a lethal weapon So the battle could resume The housewife's favourite weapon A trusty old straw broom A straw broom in a housewife's hands And with a housewife's might She can destroy a herd of elephants Or anything in sight She lined up that damn snake's head Like a champion golfing pro Then she took a mighty back swing And really let it go Julie had a wasted talent That fact was very clear Her golf swing was so perfect Even Tiger Woods would cheer But the snake was too evasive And she noticed with despair The first thing she'd demolished Was an antique kitchen chair Her swing had been too powerful The broom now enjoyed free flight It broke a kitchen cabinet And took out the kitchen light The snake had out manoeuvered her It was blessed with combat sense It was between her and her weapons She had nothing for defence Her temper was still boiling She would not admit defeat But this woman was not stupid She decided to retreat She backed up to the pantry It had missiles on the shelf She began to throw those missiles Once again she'd armed herself Soon eggs and cans and bottles Were flying through the air But that damn snake kept on dodging It wasn't fighting fair Then the welcome sound of footsteps She yelled "Prepare to meet thy doom!" "You'll have breathed your last you bugger When my man comes in the room!" Her husband stood there gaping He was such a welcome sight He'd have great pride in her courage When she told him of her fight "What the hell's been going on?" She heard his shocked voice say "It's a deadly snake!" She told him. "I've been fighting it all day." He eyed the devastation And from the wreckage he could see Their little country kitchen Had just hosted world war three He knew he should be angry But her fright had been severe She had never faced a snake before He could understand her fear His new wife was still trembling And her face a deathly white So he tried a little humour To make the situation light "It could be imagination But it sure confuses me I can see a window in the wall Where no window used to be." "And perhaps our kitchen was too dark But now you've made it bright And its plain to see the reason You installed a new skylight." "But there's a heap of storm clouds gathering And if the rain comes pelting down With that great hole in the ceiling We'll both most likely drown." "So, you didn't like that dinner set?" "You've smashed each saucer and each cup Well, I suppose I should be grateful We won't have to wash them up." "You are very innovative I have such a clever wife You've used the door into the kitchen To store your carving knife." "And I think somebody hates me Or perhaps it's just a prank But some bugger punched a great hole In our largest water tank." Julie saw that he was grinning And it made her mad as hell If he continued to torment her She'd have a piece of him as well "I fired the shot that hit the tank I was sitting on the floor And the shot passed through the window I've never fired a gun before." "That shotgun almost killed me I think it broke my hip But I'm still in the mood for murder So don't give me any lip!" But her husband kept on grinning "You still look cute I must confess But you reveal so many secrets With that great hole in your dress." "Is that the snake that threatened you?" "Well, I can see he's still not dead And he sure looks kind of harmless With that egg yolk on his head." Mrs. Bramble stood there trembling She was plainly terrified As her husband picked that snake up And carried it outside She could hear her husband laughing And it filled her with dismay When he patted that snake on the tail Then waved it on its way He was in a fit of laughter As he came back through the door Julie hurled a cabbage at him He'd get what he was looking for "How the hell can you keep laughing While I'm trembling with the shakes?" "You didn't tell me when we married I'd be fighting poisonous snakes!" The more her husband laughed at her The more her anger grew She picked up a fair sized pumpkin And threw that at him, too She was furious with her husband She had faced a certain death She told him what she thought of him Until she ran out of breath But her husband only laughed at her And she failed to reason why He could find a situation humorous Where she could easily die And though her love had never wavered She loved this man with all her heart She picked up a large pie dish That contained a custard tart She would now teach him a lesson That he would easily recall But the custard tart whizzed by him Then slid gracefully down the wall Her husband held his hands up In a mock surrender style And though he'd finally stopped his laughter He still wore an impish smile "I don't mean to be sarcastic But my enquiring nature begs How you're the only one to find a snake That walks around on legs." "That was not a deadly poisonous snake You tried so hard to slay That was just a friendly lizard He comes in almost every day." "I hope that he'll forgive you I'd hate to see his visits end He's great at catching flies And I claim 'Peter' as my friend." Julie was embarrassed With a sheepish voice she said "I wasn't looking at his body I only saw his head." Her husband put his arms around her "it's a memory that we'll save You were prepared to fight a deadly snake You proved you're very brave." The months have gone by quickly The kitchen is repaired And Peter visits every day His friendship not impaired And Julie now loves Peter But a thought she can't dislodge The only reason he's still living Is that Peter learned to dodge. Peter greets her every morning And with joy his small heart beats As he sits beside the table While Julie feeds him treats K.D. Abbott © 2009  |
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