| Exercise is good for you It puts you in good trim It keeps the muscles supple And keeps the waistline slim Just one hour each morning They say that's all it takes And soon you'll feel the wonder Of the difference that it makes They say it's good for every age But here I disagree It might be good for most folks But it wasn't meant for me My wife and son and daughter Claimed my lifestyle was too stale And warned that in my later years My health was sure to fail They ignored my heated protests They brushed them all away When I angrily informed them I exercise each day I go walking every morning It keeps me trim and neat I go strolling down my backyard To my shady garden seat And lifting weights I'm used to I lift two cans each day And my arms get lots of exercise From brushing flies away And in my cosy garden More exercise prevails I have to almost touch my toes When picking up the snails They berated me consistently And my mood was pretty grim When I found I'd been committed To a health course at the gym They assigned me to a 'trainer' And I could quickly tell This woman known as Donna Was a messenger from hell This woman was so heartless She was evil to behold She placed me on a torture rack They used in days of old The rack had wheels and spindles And bars I had to lift My body didn't like it All my insides came adrift Then she placed me on a 'walker' But my legs had lost their 'zing' And I was so exhausted I fell off the bloody thing She could see that I was dying So she placed me on a mat My chest gulped air so deeply I heard my ribs go splat She said I needed massage And she refused to halt When I threatened that I'd sue her For undisguised assault The judo chops she gave me Made my liver flee And I'm positive it now resides Somewhere below my knee She pushed and pulled and battered me She gave me such a fright My blood went into hiding All my skin had turned pure white She slapped, and chopped and prodded Like she was mixing dough By the time that she was finished I was bruised from head to toe And then she bent my legs up Till my toes were 'round my ears She ignored my screams for mercy Though my eyes were full of tears Even she began to worry When she heard my spine go crack She had tried to push my knee up Past the centre of my back And then she took me jogging Til I was out of breath I found it quite revealing I glimpsed the sight of death Just like a startled rabbit I fled that jogging track I scurried home to safety And I'm never going back Though my family wants me healthy The choice is very clear I'm never going near that gym I'll live much longer here The way that 'trainer' tortured me I'm sure she's full of hate Between Donna and obesity I'll choose the lesser fate If she got me on that mat again I doubt that I'd survive Just one more 'Donna massage' And I wouldn't be alive I can do without the agony The sweat and pain and tears I'll stay healthily unhealthy For my remaining years I'll sit quietly in my garden And read my favourite book And my spreading waist won't bother me Because I just won't look I've been reading up on voodoo It's where revenge begins I have a rag doll I've named Donna And I've got it full of pins K.D. Abbott © 2008 |
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