CLANCY'S CULTURAL WOES
| On me precious country homestead There's a note pinned on the door The Browns what used to live 'ere They don't live 'ere anymore The family that I used to have They all are far away Their bodies are still on the farm But their minds have gone astray My story is a sad one It almost broke my heart I have this real posh brother And he ripped my world apart He brought his wife here with him And I don't like her a bit She thinks she's intellectual She's a pretentious little twit Brother Bill's wife has a voice that's shrill She likes her name 'Monique' She hates it when I talk to her 'Cause I just call her 'Squeak'. They came up from the city To visit for a bit But my wife and kids caught 'culture' They were hypnotised by it Bill told them of that other world He claimed had much to give Squeaky boasted being 'cultured' Was the only way to live My first fright was a beauty It nearly struck me dead Squeaky taught my wife to walk with poise With plates stacked on her head My Mary looked ridiculous With those plate so neatly stacked But then she had a sneezing fit Now every plate is cracked My youngest danced around me She had a skimpy skirt thing on Squeaky said it was a tutu It looked like most of it was gone Because I am protective That thing put me to the test I don't like her showing all that leg The blue jeans suit her best Bill gave my son a violin And those things aren't damn toys I think he had it by the throat I'd never heard such noise My eldest girl gave out a squeal It filled me full of fear She claimed that it was 'opry' She'd damn near wrecked my ear They signed my family up for courses At some 'self improvement' school I didn't know you had to study To be a flamin' fool Bill claims that all my animals Kill our planet with methane He used to be just stupid But I think he's now insane They've painted slogans on my animals There's a huge one on a cow It says in great white letters SAVE THE PLANET NOW!' And on my poor old draught horse He has printed on his rear STOP ALL GAS EMISSIONS BECAUSE GLOBAL WARMING'S HERE! And they've painted ugly murals On my silo and my shed I think they just threw cans of paint And let it run and spread They write poetry 'round a camp fire They claim the flames inspire I kept looking out the window And the flames were getting higher By the time I put the damn thing out It had gone beyond a joke Bill had burnt off both his eyebrows And two trees went up in smoke They pinched the feathers from my rooster's tail To decorate their hat My rooster is embarrassed There's a draft now where he sat And they're boasting how their skin's improved They claim it's now as soft as silk They've been filling up their bath tubs And soaking in my dairy milk I wanted eggs for breakfast There wasn't one left in the place They've been throwing out the yolks To put the egg white on their face They claim it clears away the wrinkles But I can plainly see All the wrinkles are still resting In the place they used to be My son now goes to art school So he's grown a straggly beard And with that stupid beret on his head He looks real flamin' weird I advised "Forget the art stuff; Learn horse shoeing instead." Some paintings make big money But the artists are all dead." Since my missus watched a Shakespeare play She can hardly see or hear She keeps muttering "Wherefore art thou?" I yell "I'm standing over here!" My eldest daughter is all dreamy She's in a mood that I detest She sighs 'Romeo, oh Romeo" With her hands pressed to her chest I'll bet this Romeo is slippery A real intellectual toff If I catch her with this bugger I'll knock his head clean off Bill asked me for some money To take my family to a show He said it was The Threepenny Opera I muttered "If they want to go." I slipped him a whole dollar To pretend I didn't mind I said "Don't bother with the threepenny stuff Watch the dearest you can find." My wife wanted me to buy a car For her 'refined ladies' course I asked. "Have you forgotten how to ride?" "Take the flamin' horse" The last straw came last Saturday Brother Bill had gone too far He used the water from our dwindling tank To wash his flamin' car He'd clipped my prize ram with blunt scissors To give the tyres a sheen He said the wool imparts a magic gloss Because its full of lanoline Bill thought that he'd been clever And his manner was so smug Now the prize ram I was proud of Looks like an old moth eaten rug My world was crashing down on me I knew it couldn't last I had to get rid of the buggers And I had to do it fast Bill is terrified of sickness And his wife is careful too So I told them all my sheep had caught A contagious human flu I said my cattle had mad cow disease Then I sadly shook my head I said my pigs had caught swine fever And six of them were dead There was an epidemic in my fowl yard That wasn't very nice Every fowl that I inspected Was loaded down with lice They packed up in a hurry They left that very day I should have thought of it much sooner Who says lying doesn't pay? My family's banging on the door And you might think its a sin But 'til they come back to their senses I'm not going to let them in They've pushed me to the flamin' edge I've nearly gone berserk All they do is sit and read all day They won't help with the work They quote choice bits of philosophy And stuff from poetry and plays They just sit there soaking 'culture' It's gone on for days and days They claim reading brings 'enlightenment' They plan to study while they're able I'll show them damn enlightenment When there's no food on the table The hen eggs need collecting And the cows need milking too And since Mary gave up cooking My ribs are poking through Tom used to drive the tractor He was a boy his dad could trust But if I wait for him to drive it now The flamin' thing will rust I had a happy family Full of laughter and good cheer So I'll keep them out there thinking If it takes a flamin' year I've fought the ravages of nature I've fought fire and flood and drought But this curse that's known as 'culture' Brings problems I can do without This intellectual rubbish Has caused me so much pain I mean to rid them of their culture Until Bill comes back again And I'll find out when he's coming Then I'll stop his goings on I'll take my family to the city And we'll hide there 'til he's gone K.D. Abbott © 2009 |
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