THE DIET
| I curse those extra pounds I gained They caused my wife disquiet And now she's threatening me with death It's called a 'fat free' diet According to our doctor I'm six pounds over weight And when I think about the foods I eat I think I'm doing great I never go near doctors Their words are always grim I can find enough damn worries Without listening to him But my wife has regular check-ups And that doctor bent her ear When she told him of my height and weight He filled her heart with fear He ordered me off fat foods Until I pulled those six pounds back He said my blood was pure cholesterol And that I'd have a heart attack He said to do away with fat foods And eat vegetables instead Now thanks to that damn doctor I have to face each meal with dread I have never met this doctor But he's filled my heart with hate I curse him every meal time When there's just vegies on my plate I like any kind of junk food They're foods on which I thrive Those extra pounds might show a bit But at least I'm still alive I have carried these pounds with me Through my maturing stage And 'diet' is a dirty word When a man has reached my age WEEK ONE This diet's going to kill me I'll be a dying 'fat free' slave And I reckon when they plant me They'll demand a 'fat free' grave I really like my junk food In my youth I formed bad habits But now I'm banned from human food I eat the food of rabbits My wife and daughter are determined That real food is out of bounds And heartlessly they'll starve me Until I lose those extra pounds I can't exist on this damn diet It's going to make me sick But they only laugh when I complain They mean to kill me quick Shopping day is now a torture It puts me in an angry mood They buy 'fat and salt free' products They won't buy proper food 'Fat free' should show a warning That it lacks in calorie power And no matter what the food is You'll be hungry in an hour 'Salt free' is another term I understood it with great haste It means the food that you're about to eat Will be lacking in real taste I tried to please my wife and daughter But this diet had me beat After just three hours of suffering I needed food to eat I loudly moaned that I was dying And much to my surprise My wife made me up a sandwich But there was mischief in her eyes The sandwich that she gave me Almost defied belief A slice of bread devoid of butter Wrapped around a lettuce leaf With sarcasm I could not contain And resentment she could see I asked with raw emotion "Is this whole feast just for me?" My son thinks that it's real funny He teases me each day Before he gets home from work He fills up with 'take-away' He describes the food he's dined on And it makes me wonder why The son I love so dearly Likes to make me cry I have come to the conclusion That my family want me dead But it would have been much kinder To just hit me in the head Morning tea was once a pleasure But now it damn near makes me sick I get black tea without sugar And one ugly celery stick Women can be absent minded They are prone to make mistakes "This is morning tea!" I mutter "Where's my coffee and cream cakes?" After two weeks on this diet I won't need a latch key anymore I'm going to be so wafer thin I'll simply slide beneath the door While still half asleep one morning I thought the great day had arrived I was proud of my endurance And so glad I had survived I boasted to my wife Of how my diet days were through With a chuckle she informed me "Boy! Have I got news for you!" She eyed me with contempt And with dread I heard her say "You'll be on this diet for a month This is just the second day!" This rabbit food is dangerous It has fulfilled all my fears I am becoming a damn rabbit I try to wiggle both my ears When I'm out in public And my nose begins to itch Because I'm six parts rabbit I can make the damn thing twitch Perhaps when the winter gets here I'll get a chance to gloat While normal people freeze I should have my winter coat My brain cries out in anger At the depression that I feel When a plate of lonely vegetables Is now my evening meal I admire the vegetarians With their figures firm and neat I would become a vegetarian If I still could eat some meat I press my face up to the window Of each restaurant I pass And the food I see them eating Makes my diet look like grass I was born and reared a farm boy I am restless in my sleep I dream of endless herds of cattle And nice fat healthy sheep Sunday dinner is a wipe out I get tomatoes served on toast The tears start streaming down my face I want my Sunday roast! Then I had a brilliant idea That gave me such a thrill I would steal our neighbour's chickens And barbecue them on the grill I'd forgot about their dog And his anger was intense I left a great part of my trousers dangling on our neighbour's fence The dog had souvenired a portion That was dangling from his mouth He took the part I usually sit on That is located way down south My meal of tasty chicken I had to hastily postpone Perhaps our neighbour's dog got angry Because I'd pinched his mutton bone I think it was the seventh day When I knew that I was beat I saw two little school kids Come walking up our street They'd been to the local fish shop And the aroma that arose From those salted, fatty, fish and chips Was too much for my nose I was already in a weakened state My life force couldn't last I meant to mug them for their fish and chips As they went strolling past My wife guessed what I intended And it really hurt my pride Both those kids burst out with laughter When she ordered me inside That was the final insult Artful cunning I don't lack She'd find that was the final straw That broke this camel's back WEEK TWO I intend to go on living I'll eat all that I can get This rabbit diet won't destroy me I'm far from beaten yet I now have many plans in place To ensure that I survive Each night I dine on fat foods And so much pleasure I derive I have stooped to sneaking out at night When the family's bedded down I'm now known as 'The Night Raider' At every junk food shop in town My wife and daughter will be angry I aim to win this 'diet' fight Until they admit to failure I'll keep sneaking out at night I intend to fool my family All my trousers I've replaced And the new lot that I've purchased All have a bigger waist In times of desperation My ingenuity never fails While the family were all sleeping I tampered with the bathroom scales Now when it comes to weighing They are very pleased to find Everyone has lost at least six pounds And I'm sure that they don't mind Victory is mine! My diet days are over They found they couldn't win When they couldn't stop me cheating They reluctantly gave in I reckon diets are unhealthy And I can prove my point real quick Our neighbour tried to phone that doctor But the bugger was home sick He can keep his 'healthy' diet I'll eat the foods I love instead And while I sit here munching chocolate That doctor's home in bed K.D. Abbott © 2009 |
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