A WORD ON SPELLING
| This poem's penned in humour I don't mean to start a row So if you take your 'Spelling' seriously Please stop reading now It's alway's been a puzzle And I think that it's a shame That all English speaking people Don't spell their words the same Grammar can confuse me Such as words like 'lie' and 'lay' But the difference must be simple So I'll work it out one day I think I'm slowly gaining For common sense will beg I 'lay' a book upon the table And a hen won't 'lie' an egg Punctuation is important Of that there is no doubt But my writing's mostly sloppy And I often leave it out Some of it's quite easy For as far as I can tell A semicolon's just a period Whose brakes don't work too well Now, I'm certainly not a scholar I make errors every day But this thing that we call spelling Can blow my mind away I speak the 'English' language Cause I'm 'Aussie', don't you know? And sometimes the 'Aussie' accent Can confuse the English so. I love my English heritage I bleed blue when I'm cut But the bloke who set their spelling Must have been some kind of nut Spelling was my favourite subject In the days I went to school But to think I understood it I must have been a fool We'd never have a problem Spelling skills would know no bounds If they'd only let us spell the word The way the damn thing sounds Others held the same opinion And for a time they made a push But to quote an Aussie saying: It seems the thing's gone bush They tried to simplify our spelling And they tried with all their heart But it's named 'Phonetic Spelling' So they were beaten from the start To place (pee, aitch) before a word Is as stupid as can be Each time I see a (pee, aitch) word I glimpse insanity They make us use a (pee, aitch) When we spell a word like 'phone' Why can't we use a plain old (eff)? It bugs me to the bone We never write of 'Phootball' And we write of 'fly'; not 'phly' If they ever drop those (pee, aitch) words I'm sure we'll still get by And we use the thing in 'photo' And of course, 'Phrenology' I think they have a 'phobia' It's as 'phony' as can be And the (pee, ess) words all haunt me 'Cause I don't think they belong Each time I see a (pee, ess) word I know they've spelt it wrong There's 'psychosis', and there's 'psyche' And 'psalms' makes only three But there's heaps more of the buggers I mean, how 'pseudo' can you be? I think they made too many (pees) And then without a care To get rid of those left over They just stuck them everywhere How could they dream up spelling For a word like 'physicist'? I'm sure that fellow needed A damn 'psychiatrist' Lexicographers can be tricky For as you've surely heard They'll accept two different spellings For the same damn simple word I'd prefer that they were judges And state which spelling gets the 'gong' But they create a fine example Of how two 'rights' can make a wrong These words are spelt in different ways I've picked out just a few To show spelling that's contentious English spelling is in blue 'Enrolment' in a college And some 'skilful' 'dialogue' Would not 'fulfil' my questions For they'd fill a 'catalogue' I had 'doughnuts' with my coffee And I think most would be game To claim had I been eating donuts They'd probably taste the same The differences are too many For me to 'memorise' And though I always spell in British Sometimes I 'agonise' Americans buy their gifts from jewelers And they check the 'labelled' price English buy their gifts from 'jewellers' And I'm sure they're just as nice No matter where you buy the gift One thing is sure, by heck If you don't have cash or credit cards You'll have to write a 'cheque' Americans chew on licorice It's a most enticing snack And though 'Aussies' prefer 'liquorice' Their mouth gets just as black Some insist on buying 'yoghurt' They're as fussy as can be Yet, I've seen the stuff called yogurt And it looks the same to me The English dictionary that I have Spells 'colour' with a 'U' But Americans don't use it So what is one to do? The ( 'Oh', 'You' ) is confusing Of that there is no doubt Yet, I 'savour' lots of ( 'Oh', 'You' ) words And just can't leave them out And there's 'favour', 'labour', 'neighbour' And of course 'behaviour', too Yet we understand each other I think it's 'marvellous', don't you? Allowing for our accents We pronounce our words the same But when it comes to spelling them It's not my 'favourite' game 'Cause when we're spelling 'centre' We end it with ( 'Are', 'Ee') Yet Americans end it with (Ee', Are') It sure confuses me And there's 'litre', and there's 'theatre' And though some will shake their head I think Americans spell closer To the way those words are said Both 'patronise' and 'subsidise' Should have a 'Zed" or 'Zee' I can see my dear old teacher's face And hear her cursing me And before she has a fainting spell Or tears flow from her eyes If I've hurt her tender feelings Let me 'apologise' We should put our heads together That's how I've often felt And 'analyse' confusing words To ascertain how they're spelt The 'carburettor' must be working If you want to drive your car But if the 'tyres' are not inflated You won't get very far We use a 'plough' to turn the soil While others use a plow And there's 'aluminium', and 'sulphur' But we do agree on 'cow' And 'licence' is another That we spell differently And 'defence' is just one other How many can there be? I love the English language I really think it's great But the different way we spell our words Is something that I hate Friendship with all countries Is a thought I 'idolise' And I'm sure we'll all get closer The more we 'fraternise' I've met lots of decent people From lands across the sea They're now living in Australia And we live in harmony And I'd love to learn their language But I don't know how I'd go While I have confusion spelling The only one I know I ran an English classic Through Microsoft Word Pro And the difference in our spelling You wouldn't want to know The screen was filled with squiggles It resembled aircraft flack I feared my poor computer Would have a heart attack And whether 'flak' or 'flack' is right My dictionary won't tell It accepts the word spelt either way Ain't that some kind of hell? I 'honour' every teacher For how they instructed me But I'll never, ever enter An American 'Spelling Bee' I don't have much trouble spelling I was 'brain-washed' not to think So I spell the way they taught me Like some mindless 'missing link' I find both countries blameless For we all should plainly see That the fault rests on the shoulders Of LEXICOGRAPHY! APOLOGIES: I'm sure Americans and English Can take a friendly 'roast' And if we can laugh together That's the thing that matters most And I admire the lexicologists They do a wondrous job Without their endless 'labour' We'd be an ignorant mob I hope my 'humour' hasn't bored you And now my last word's said I'll put on my 'pyjamas' And then I'll go to bed K.D. Abbott © 2007 |
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